mapofstars

no one cares no one cares  no one cares no one cares

haha you fucking loser. having a fucking anxiety whatever over this get used to it. no one gives a fuck. just fade away.

this is all a cry for help

how much louder do I need to scream before someone who isn’t a stranger checks on me. You’re my housemates. And yet this is feelin more and more unlike a home

fuck up fuck up you suck fuck up fuck you waste of space failure nobody wants you you little whore you fuckwit fuck up loser waste of space no wonder nobody wants to hire you you just fuck up everything you touch

what are you doing stop. just go find a hole and crawl into you stupid bint.

Need to eat. Haven’t eaten properly in a few days. Raw noodles and chocolate drops aren’t food meg. Cooked dinner but it tasted like shit. Then I just felt disappointed. Too apathetic to eat. The energy it takes to get food outweighs the hunger. Not good.

Felt my hipbone a few night. just lay there rubbing it. then felt disgusted in myself. Ugh. stuck in a weird spot. miss Michael. but he has work. can’t be clingy, he needs sleep. blugh. maybe tomorrow i’ll see him.

on one hand am saving money but not eating. on other… need food. not smart.

Haven’t had any luck with jobs. sad. upsetting. frustrating. applied for so many but nothing. just want to work. work means i’ll eat. i always eat when i’m working. have to after all.

just wanna curl up into a ball and ignore the world. shutting down. weather matches my mood. 

Blargh. Feel gross. Stupid fight. Makes me shake. Shouldn’t have let him comment didn’t realize it would make such a problem. When did they become such firm friends. What does she have that I don’t.

Why don’t you tell me these problems. How can I fix them if you don’t say anything.

I think mum was right.

tired. did ok today, just got tired. still feeling needy. trying to ignore it. should have eaten more my tummy is hungy. bit’s nearly 1:30 am so no. gunna try and do this daily or every second day. monitor myself etcetc.

did nothing productive. need to do stuff tomorrow.now I should sleep. nini

feelin tired. drained. no energy for anything. no energy for tags, no energy for uni work no energy for bf really. sex would be nice orgasms would be nice but no condoms. too tired to try and help him do it right too. awful as that sounds. it’s a pressuring feeling tbh. tired of pretending I got to that point when all I really got was too sensitive. too tired too drained to try and explain the problems. too shy to ask what I want.

feel irritating. when I can muster energy I just wanna roll around and be silly. he doesn’t want to, gets annoyed. so I back off. this is also apparently irritating. go from one extreme to another. idk what he wants really. too tired to work it out. you don’t want the attention I’m giving but you get annoyed when I leave you alone so you an play your game.

boys are confusing. bugger it all.

feeling lost. scared. feeling replaceable. want my mum. feel like a wuss for being nearly 20 and wanting nothing more than to sob into my mum’s arms. don’t know if I can still do that though. gotta be strong. hafta be strong. can’t let people see how weak I am they’ll exploit it.

feeling like a bitch for pushing bf away. he wants to help but I can’t sometimes. sometimes I can cry with him. felt like I was dumping on him this time though. he needs to sleep. he’s not in a good place either atm can’t dump on him.

can’t dump on friends. can’t be weak. gotta be strong and put together and never let them know how scared I am. how much I fear being forgotten. wanna scream look at me look at me love me too am I not as important but that’s irrational. gotta be rational. gotta be practical. gotta be strong.

wanna be someone. scared of being someone. I want the world to know my name but that’s not rational. not realistic. but don’t like this path. want another. can I afford another? am I just running from problems. what about judgement. so scared.

scared

worried

weak

gotta be strong gotta be practical.

falling.